I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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