What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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