i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
