I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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