my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
