It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
