I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
