so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
