he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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