Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
