My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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