Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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