my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
