babies were throwing up all over the place
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
