Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
