I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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