I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
