i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
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