I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
