Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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