Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
