My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
