My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
