Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
