You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
