We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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