I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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