You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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