You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
