im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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