I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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