I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This house was built for laser tag.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
