It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
