Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
