Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
