He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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