Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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