My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
