She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
