Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
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His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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