According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
