A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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