He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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