Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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