Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
