I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
