Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
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Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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