I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
