He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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