rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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