my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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