god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
