You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You made out with two different species that night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
