How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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