please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
