You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
