if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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