they need to just BURY HIM!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
