I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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