I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
